First off, let me start off by apologizing with how long this post is. I know the back and forth is annoying and this will hopefully give a little more background to everything.
We tried to have sex and that failed. She keeps insisting that we can use toys and strap-ons but at that point, it’s basically mutual masturbation, the intimacy and the closeness and passion that I loved about what we had is gone. Yet, she keeps telling me (after me questioning her about it before) that it’s not because she’s getting attracted to guys now. However, on that same note, she’s been talking about fantasizing about men “to see if it does anything” and that “maybe we’ll find a guy we both fall in love with.”
All of that, along with things falling back to where they were before I asked for the separation in the first place, prompted a conversation with my best friend who encouraged me to leave saying that this relationship isn’t healthy and she’s worried about me. My mom (well beyond her ignorance filled opinions) is also worried about me and feels the same way. She thinks that I can do this without Phyl, which ended with this post to my group on FB.
(12-20-14) “So, I’m worried. We’ve decided to stay together but she keeps hinting at being attracted to men and sex has practically stopped. I feel like the two could be separated, but I know better than to get my hopes up. She mentioned finding someone we could both fall in love with but keeps reneging on it like she’s scared I’ll stop loving her if that is the case. I need advice.”
All in all, it made me think of a plan. Of course, that included a separation outside of the home and eventually a divorce.
When Phyl got home from work, and after she ate and helped to put the kids to bed, we talked about everything. She agreed that I haven’t been happy for a long time and that she feels like she can’t satisfy me in the bedroom. I tried to tell her it wasn’t just me that hasn’t been happy, but her too and the combination has worn on me more and more. She slept on the couch last night and said she would start packing up her things today and move back out of my room.
Today, she told me that she wants to talk again about everything.
That has led to my next post:
(12-21-14) “So I talked to Phyl last night about everything. I told her it’s touch and go again. A lot of back and forth. I know she’s depressed and things aren’t going as fast or as well as she wants them to, but I feel like things are spiralling out of control and that we are right back to where we were before I asked for the separation in the first place. I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up too soon, but at the same time, I feel like our marriage isn’t a healthy one and though we’ve both tried to fix it, I feel like there’s something else we aren’t seeing and maybe that’s because we are no longer truly in this. I’ll admit, this whole male partner thing is unsettling to me, but she’s so back and forth on it. She’s even gone to the extent to tell me that she was fantasizing “just to see.” And that with her previous comment of “maybe we will find a guy we both fall in love with,” I’m left wondering if there is anything left of us. I feel like she’s looking for someone to take my place and then kick me to the curb.
My thing is, we’ve had problems our entire marriage and I know that most of them was because of this transgender thing. But now that that’s out in the open, I feel like there’s another thing to taking its place and that’s her desire to be with a man. I’m okay with her being attracted to men. But the fact of the matter is, she’s stating things like this and wanting to act like nothing happened. I’m confused.
I also have my mom and my best friend thinking this is an unhealthy marriage and that I should break up with her to be happy again. And my mom also thinks she’s the one who changed her mind, not me. She thinks that these problems wouldn’t be happening if she wasn’t trans. I agree to an extent, but not in the way my mom was intending.
I’m okay with changing our relationship to accommodate our different needs. But she seems like she’s not, and I dunno how that would affect our kids. They are the ones that matter to me the most.
So now she wants to talk more about it tonight and I’m feeling like she’s going to make me feel trapped again or figure out some other way to get me to change my mind or make me feel trapped again. She even admitted that she hasn’t been happy in a very long time and that our relationship has changed. She said she’s known that I haven’t been happy for several years and that she expected this conversation to come up sooner or later. But then that tells me did she just stop trying? I can’t keep the words straight in my head. I still want a separation because I feel like that’s the only way things will change. It doesn’t change how much I care for her or deeply hoped and wanted things to work out. I just feel like there is so much underlying here that she’s basically forcing me into a corner to make a decision that she really wants to make and feels too guilty to do it, or just doesn’t see how her actions are impacting everyone here.
Sorry for the very long post. I don’t get a chance to get on her very often and this is one of those times that I really need support.”
And I do believe there is a lot of back and forth. I can’t write or work too much because then it’s taking time from her and she feels too alone. I can’t spend time with her cause then nothing gets done around the house and when I tell her about it, she gets upset and tells me she was spending time with me. Then she tells me several times I’m stuck with her forever and she’s back to using my things and making me feel like I’m not my own person.
I love her to death. I truly do. But I don’t feel like I can be my own person with her anymore. And I feel like I can’t say anything because she’s already told me she’s depressed (which I could see) and that’s a touchy subject to begin with.
I don’t know what else to do. We can’t get into our counselor because she’s got a full schedule and we can’t seem to make Phyl’s schedule line up right. It’s just a mess. That and we have a change in our insurance for next year and I dunno what to think about that right now.
I’m stressed. I’m experiencing the blackouts again and I haven’t been taking my meds because it literally makes me sleep all day long. I’m a zombie.
I’m confused and don’t know what to do because I’m at a point where I hate to give up but I don’t know what else to do. Nothing else has worked and the last thing I want to do is wake up one day side-blinded by her telling me she wants to be with men. Just like she did with telling me about her being trans.
I’m scared that I’ll fall flat on my face with the kids and not have a way to pick myself back up. And I’m scared she’ll try to talk me into staying in a relationship with her knowing we both aren’t happy. I keep telling her that I’ve felt for a long time that it wasn’t me she was afraid of losing more so than it was her fear of being alone. She’s demonstrated this on a number of occasions.
Staying doesn’t seem like a good option and neither does leaving.
This whole thing is a mess and I’m feeling really close to losing my mind.